The topic that Michael picked is very good and overall, his
essay is well written. Each argument has many examples and quotes that support
his point and he cites them correctly. I agree with his viewpoint on the issue
and the information on the topic makes me agree with it even more. His
arguments are also fair and well balanced with both sides represented on the
issue. However, there are some things that could be fixed to make it even
better and flow more smoothly. First, some of his sentences are choppy and
simple. To tie them together, he should join one or two of the sentences that relate
to each other so that the transition is more smooth. Next, he should also watch
out for repletion of words such as “comments” that could be replaced with other
words like “says” and “states.” Another thing that could be done to the essay
is to add even more information. It doesn’t seem like there are many sources
which could be problematic in arguing you point. Last, there is not much of a
conclusion at the end. It kind of leaves the reader wanting more, like the
essay isn’t over yet. It should sum up what the writer has written about and
should be simple and concise. Overall though, the essay is a good start and can
easily be made even better.
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