This essay was very informative and entertaining to read. The
hook was good and it kept me reading. It dealt with real world issues that need
to mentioned and overall, was written well.
However, there are some minor things that could be adjusted or added to
this essay to make it even better. First, the introduction is very informative,
but too long. Some of the facts like where Harambe was born should be put in
the next paragraph to give more details. Also, there is not much of a thesis to
some up what the introduction was about or what the entire essay would be
about. Another thing that could also be fixed is the repetition of Harambes
name. We already know that the essay is about him so at this point, you can
just say “him” or “the gorilla.” The structure of the sentences is also a bit
choppy. This could be solved by having a few sentences in the paragraph that
are compound sentences with depended and independent clauses. Last, the essay
does not have a concluding paragraph. This should just sum up what the entire
essay is about and should be concise and accurate as to what the topic was
about and what we should have learned. Other than that, the essay was nice and I
look forward to reading it in its final draft.
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